PROJECT: THE HIDDEN CRIME OF NARCISSISTIC ABUSE WITHIN FAMILIES
- isabels39
- Jul 29
- 6 min read
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In recent years, public awareness of narcissistic personality traits has grown, but much of the focus remains on surface-level behaviours - charm, arrogance, or self-centeredness. Far less attention is given to the dark, insidious effects of narcissism within intimate relationships and family settings, particularly where sexual, emotional, and psychological abuse intersect.
When narcissistic abuse occurs behind closed doors, masked by politeness in public and charm with outsiders,
it becomes one of the most difficult forms of abuse to identify and escape.
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THE NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY AND CONTROL:
At its extreme, narcissism evolves into a dangerous personality disorder—marked by complete control over a victim’s life.
The perpetrator does dominate emotionally; they may also manipulate financially, sexually, and psychologically.
They are often a master deceivers, portraying themselves as charming, successful, and even socially progressive in public.
But privately, they are deeply controlling and abusive.
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) includes traits such as grandiosity, a need for excessive admiration, lack of empathy, and exploitative behaviour in relationships.
In extreme cases, narcissists become capable of severe violence, and some even engage in suicidal or homicidal behaviours if their control is threatened.
GROOMING AND ISOLATION: A PATTERN OF ENTRAPMENT
One of the most terrifying aspects of narcissistic abuse is that it starts slowly.
The abuser does not reveal his true nature at the outset. He draws his target in with affection, flattery, and apparent interest.
Once the victim is emotionally invested or isolated - cut off from family, friends, and financial independence—the true face of the narcissist emerges.
The narcissist controls every move of the victim.
The victim becomes dependent on the approval of the narcissist partner, unable to function without it.
Over time, the victim may no longer recognise her/himself.
Self-worth is systematically eroded, and the victim lives in fear of the reactions of the narcissist - walking on eggshells to avoid triggering rage or coldness.
Intimidation, gaslighting, and threats are used to maintain control.
Crucially, many abusers use inside knowledge of their victim's vulnerabilities - childhood trauma, insecurities, or prior abuse - to deepen their hold.
This manipulation is often so gradual that victims do not realise they are being abused until the damage is profound.
THE ROLE OF SEXUALITY, STATUS AND PUBLIC IMAGE:
Sexual control is a common aspect of narcissistic abuse.
In public, the narcissist may present as affectionate, respectful "progressive."
Privately, however, sex becomes a tool of dominance.
This can include coercion, degradation, or exposure to violent or extreme pornography that the abuser conceals from others.
These behaviours are rarely revealed until the narcissist is exposed through legal investigations or intervention.
In South Africa, as in many parts of the world, narcissistic abusers often seek social status and admiration.
Many are wealthy, attractive, or well-connected, using these traits to mask their abusive behaviour.
They may actively seek admiration from the opposite sex even while controlling a primary partner.
They perform in public by giving hugs and offering support to women’s causes, while privately violating the very principles they claim to stand for.
MANIPULATION:
Narcissists do not operate in isolation.
They often draw others, family, friends, colleagues, into their sphere.
Some are manipulated into enabling the abuse, while others become unwitting participants.
In some cases, even children are used as tools to secure the narcissist's power or weaken the other parents’ position.
Control extends to financial dependence, which is a core feature in many abusive homes.
The narcissist uses money as leverage - either by restricting access, controlling spending, or threatening abandonment.
According to Women’s Legal Centre SA, financial abuse is present in over 90% of domestic violence cases in South Africa.
SUBTLETY AND DENIAL:
The most disturbing truth is that narcissistic abuse is often invisible to outsiders.
Victims themselves may defend their abusers, believing they themselves are to blame for their behaviour.
Over time, the abuser becomes the only voice in the victim’s head, their reality shaped entirely by the abuser’s narrative.
The narcissist rarely attacks openly. They wait, they observe.
They remove rivals from their sphere not with confrontation, but with calculated social manipulation.
If they feel outshone or less admired, at a family function or in a social circle, they plot quietly to regain control and remove threats.
LOWER-LEVEL NARCISSISM:
It is important to recognise that narcissism is not always extreme from the start.
At lower levels, it can appear as a lack of respect, emotional neglect, or a partner who suppresses his spouse’s identity.
If a person treats others with charm but is dismissive or condescending at home, it could be a precursor to more serious forms of narcissistic control.
Unfortunately, this is commonplace in many South African households.
Cultural expectations, economic dependence, and outdated gender roles often allow this behaviour to go unchecked.
But the escalation is real.
Unchecked narcissism rarely stays stagnant; it either intensifies or adapts to maintain power.
AWARENESS AND EXPOSURE:
The first step in breaking free is awareness.
Many abusers lose their power when confronted by an informed, empowered person who can see through the manipulation.
Once the behaviour is named - once it is no longer hidden - the narcissist’s grip begins to weaken.
Community support, therapy, and legal protection are crucial.
Victims need a safe space to rebuild their identity, regain independence, and restore their self-worth.
At a national level, improved education on emotional abuse and narcissism is needed, especially in schools, churches, and family counselling spaces.
Before mistreating your partner, ask yourself:
Would you act the same way if that partner were wealthy, influential, or physically powerful?
How a person treats another person reveals his character, not the worth of the person in question.
Your relationship with God - or your conscience - should be your first guide.
Narcissism is not just a flaw. In its worst form, it is a form of criminality, wrapped in charm, hidden behind a smile.
Recognise it. Name it. Avoid it at all costs.
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