PROJECT: COERCIVE CONTROL, MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE
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THE HIDDEN FORM OF ABUSE THAT CAN DESTROY A PERSON WITHOUT LEAVING A PHYSICAL MARK
When people hear the word abuse, they often think of physical violence—hitting, assault, threats
or other visible acts of violence. However, abuse does not always leave bruises or physical injuries.
Coercive control, mental abuse and emotional abuse can be equally destructive, while often remaining hidden from family, friends, colleagues and even authorities.
Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour designed to dominate, intimidate, isolate and control another person.
It may develop gradually, making it difficult for the victim to recognise what is happening.
The perpetrator may initially present the behaviour as love, concern, jealousy or protection.
Over time, however, the victim's freedom, independence, confidence
and ability to make ordinary decisions can be systematically taken away.
In South Africa, this issue is particularly important in the broader context of gender-based violence and domestic violence, where abuse is not limited to physical assault.
1. WHAT IS COERCIVE CONTROL?
Coercive control is best understood as a pattern of controlling behaviour, rather than one isolated incident.
The perpetrator attempts to establish power over the victim by controlling aspects of the victim's everyday life.
This can include who the victim sees, where the victim goes, what the victim wears, how money is spent, who the victim communicates with and what the victim is permitted to do.
Examples may include:
Constantly monitoring the victim's movements.
Demanding passwords to phones, email or social-media accounts.
Checking messages and call records.
Preventing or discouraging contact with family and friends.
Controlling access to money or employment.
Dictating what the victim may wear or where the victim may go.
Repeatedly accusing the victim of infidelity without justification.
Threatening to harm the victim, children, pets or other family members.
Threatening suicide if the victim attempts to leave.
Humiliating the victim privately or publicly.
Deliberately creating fear and uncertainty.
Punishing the victim through prolonged silence, intimidation or withdrawal.
Using children as instruments of control.
Making the victim believe that nobody else will believe or help them.
The objective is often not simply to frighten the victim on one occasion. It is to create an environment in which the victim begins to regulate their own behaviour because they are afraid of the perpetrator's reaction.
2. MENTAL ABUSE:
Mental abuse attacks a person's psychological wellbeing.
The perpetrator may repeatedly tell the victim that they are worthless, stupid, incapable, unattractive or responsible for everything that goes wrong in the relationship.
This can include constant criticism, humiliation, intimidation, threats, manipulation and deliberate attempts to undermine the victim's confidence.
One particularly dangerous form of psychological manipulation is gaslighting.
Gaslighting occurs when a person persistently attempts to make another person question their own memory, perception or understanding of events.
A perpetrator may say:
"That never happened."
"You are imagining things."
"You are crazy."
"Everyone knows you are unstable."
"Everything is always your fault."
Repeated exposure to this behaviour can cause the victim to stop trusting their own judgement.
3. EMOTIONAL ABUSE:
Emotional abuse is frequently confused with ordinary relationship conflict.
Arguments and disagreements occur in many relationships.
Emotional abuse is different because it involves a repeated pattern of behaviour intended to degrade, manipulate, frighten, punish or control another person.
The perpetrator may use affection as a weapon—being loving when the victim complies and becoming hostile or threatening when the victim refuses.
Another tactic is the deliberate withdrawal of affection, communication or attention as punishment.
The victim can consequently become trapped in a cycle:
Fear → compliance → temporary peace → renewed control → fear.
Over time, the victim may become preoccupied with avoiding the perpetrator's anger rather than making independent decisions.
4. THE ISOLATION OF THE VICTIM:
Isolation is one of the most effective tools available to a controlling perpetrator.
The perpetrator may gradually convince the victim that their family cannot be trusted, that their friends are interfering, or that nobody genuinely cares about them.
Phone calls may be questioned. Visits may be discouraged. Social events may become sources of conflict.
Eventually, the victim may have fewer people to turn to.
This creates a dangerous situation because the more isolated a victim becomes, the more dependent they can become upon the person controlling them.
Family members should therefore take changes in someone's behaviour seriously.
A person who suddenly stops attending social gatherings, becomes unusually withdrawn, appears frightened when answering their telephone or constantly seeks permission from a partner may be experiencing controlling behaviour.
5. FINANCIAL CONTROL:
Financial abuse can be particularly effective because money determines a person's ability to leave an abusive environment.
The perpetrator may:
Take control of the victim's salary.
Prevent the victim from working.
Restrict access to bank accounts.
Demand an explanation for every expenditure.
Refuse to provide money for basic necessities.
Accumulate debt in the victim's name.
Prevent the victim from obtaining financial independence.
Financial control can therefore become a form of coercive control.
A victim may know that the relationship is abusive but believe that leaving is financially impossible.
6. DIGITAL AND TECHNOLOGICAL CONTROL:
Modern technology has created additional opportunities for perpetrators to monitor and control victims.
This can include:
Tracking a victim's location.
Demanding access to passwords.
Monitoring WhatsApp and social-media activity.
Checking online status information.
Installing surveillance applications without consent.
Repeatedly calling or messaging the victim.
Creating fake social-media accounts.
Monitoring photographs and online contacts.
Using private information to threaten or embarrass the victim.
Technology can therefore extend coercive control beyond the physical home.
A victim may effectively be monitored 24 hours a day.
7. WHY VICTIMS OFTEN DO NOT LEAVE:
One of the most damaging misconceptions about abuse is: "If the relationship is so bad, why doesn't the victim simply leave?"
The answer is that leaving an abusive relationship can be extremely complicated.
A victim may be financially dependent on the perpetrator. There may be children involved. The victim may fear retaliation, homelessness, reputational damage or the loss of contact with family.
The perpetrator may also have convinced the victim that nobody will believe them.
In some cases, the victim has been subjected to such prolonged psychological manipulation that their confidence and ability to make independent decisions have been severely undermined.
Remaining in an abusive relationship does not mean that the victim accepts the abuse.
8. THE ESCALATION OF CONTROL:
Coercive control should never automatically be dismissed as merely a "relationship problem".
Controlling behaviour can escalate.
What begins as jealousy may become monitoring.
Monitoring may become isolation.
Isolation may become financial control.
Financial control may be accompanied by threats.
Threats may ultimately become physical violence or other serious criminal conduct.
For this reason, early intervention is important.
The warning signs should be recognised before the behaviour escalates into an extreme incident.
9. THE SOUTH AFRICAN LEGAL POSITION:
South African law recognises that domestic abuse extends beyond physical violence.
The Domestic Violence Act 116 of 1998, as amended, provides a legal framework addressing various forms of domestic abuse, including conduct that can cause harm, fear or substantial emotional or psychological distress.
The legal assessment of a particular case depends on the facts and circumstances. Not every unpleasant relationship disagreement constitutes domestic violence or a criminal offence.
However, victims should not assume that they must wait until they are physically assaulted before seeking assistance.
Where conduct falls within the protection provided by South African law, victims may approach the appropriate authorities and seek available protective measures.
Serious threats, assault, stalking, intimidation, harassment, sexual offences, property-related offences and other criminal conduct may also have separate legal consequences.
10. THE EFFECT ON CHILDREN:
Children are often victims of coercive control even when they are not directly assaulted.
A child who repeatedly witnesses intimidation, threats, humiliation or violence within the household can be exposed to a deeply damaging environment.
Children may become frightened, withdrawn, anxious or excessively protective of the abused parent.
They may also be deliberately used as weapons of control.
For example, a perpetrator may threaten to take the children away, use contact with the children as leverage, or manipulate the children against the other parent.
Children must never be treated as bargaining tools in an abusive relationship.
11. THE VICTIM MUST DOCUMENT THE ABUSE:
Where it is safe and lawful to do so, victims should preserve relevant evidence.
This may include:
Threatening messages.
Emails.
Voice recordings where legally permissible.
Photographs of damage or injuries.
Medical records.
Bank records.
Relevant social-media communications.
Witness details.
A chronological record of incidents.
A written incident diary can also be useful, recording dates, times, locations, conduct, threats and witnesses.
Victims should avoid placing themselves in additional danger merely to obtain evidence.
12. WHAT SHOULD A VICTIM DO?
A person experiencing coercive control or emotional abuse should not suffer in silence.
The first priority is personal safety.
Where there is an immediate threat of violence or serious harm, the victim should seek a safe location and contact the appropriate emergency services.
Victims should also consider speaking to a trusted family member, professional counsellor, legal practitioner or appropriate support organisation.
Where appropriate, a victim can report criminal conduct to the SAPS and enquire about legal protection available under the Domestic Violence Act.
If the victim believes that leaving the relationship could trigger retaliation, the decision should be approached as a safety-planning exercise rather than an impulsive confrontation.
13. IMPORTANT WARNING SIGNS:
The public should take the following warning signs seriously:
Control disguised as love.
Jealousy disguised as concern.
Surveillance disguised as protection.
Isolation disguised as relationship boundaries.
Financial control disguised as financial management.
Humiliation disguised as humour.
Threats disguised as empty words.
Manipulation disguised as affection.
When these behaviours occur repeatedly as part of a pattern, they should not be ignored.
Coercive control, mental abuse and emotional abuse can destroy a person's independence,
confidence and sense of reality without necessarily leaving a single visible physical injury.
The most dangerous aspect is often the gradual nature of the abuse.
The victim may not realise that ordinary freedoms are being removed until the controlling relationship
has become deeply entrenched.
The public must therefore learn to recognise abuse before it becomes physical violence.
If you or someone you know is experiencing threats, intimidation, stalking, financial control, isolation,
psychological manipulation or other forms of abuse, the situation should be taken seriously.
Do not wait for the first physical assault before asking for help.
Specialised Security Services (SSS) urges victims and concerned family members to seek appropriate professional,
legal and law-enforcement assistance and to preserve relevant information where it can be done safely.
Coercive control is not love. Control is not protection. Fear is not respect.
And abuse does not have to leave a bruise to cause serious harm.
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https://www.mikebolhuis.co.za/post/project-how-to-obtain-a-protection-order-in-south-africa
https://www.mikebolhuis.co.za/post/project-the-legal-consequences-of-stalking-part-2
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https://www.mikebolhuis.co.za/post/project-warning-the-dangers-of-narcissistic-abuse
https://www.mikebolhuis.co.za/post/project-the-hidden-crime-of-narcissistic-abuse-within-families
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